On Friday, April 7, a nearly apocalyptic situation overtook the school: the network went down. We repeat, the NETWORK. WENT. DOWN.

Hours of suffering were caused by a small yet potent animal, possibly a mouse. Some individuals have even given the mouse a nickname: “The Rodent of Terror.”

Anthony Jianetti, the assistant technology director at Mayfield, clarified, “The middle school did not just have a Wi-Fi crash, but the whole network was down.  The middle school gets its connection from six fiber optic cables from the high school. It appears that a small animal may have chewed at and broken one of the six cables, causing the network slowdown. After we discovered the issue, the cable had to be repaired, which caused the whole building network to be shut down while the repairs were being done to fix the fiber optic lines.”

This meant no internet, phones, or access to copy machines or printers. For the entire day, it was as if time itself had stopped. Utterly disconnected from the outside world, the staff and students were in an all-out fight for survival.

The network outage left teachers reeling. Mrs. Bean, the Gifted Intervention Specialist, stated, “Um, well, I have been living in the 1990s in my room, doing all my work on Microsoft Word, intermittently sitting under my desk, eating dry crackers, and weeping.”

This event caused intense anxiety in other teachers. Eighth-grade team Revolution teacher compared it to “being chased by seventeen bees.”

Staff and students found themselves staring longingly at the wireless routers as if willing the mocking blue blinking light to turn green.

Distress-filled students were found wandering halls, unsure of what to do with themselves. Mekhi Cabbell stated, “Bruh, I’m switching schools.” The bitter feeling of loss was felt in the air. “The school is cheap,” replied a loathing Dennis Vicchiarelli.

Zaimeon Covington, another eighth-grade student, stated “I can’t even play Snake on the Chromebook. No Cool Math games, no Naruto…It’s absolutely dreadful.”

When student Hannah Peterson was asked about the WiFi, she said, “OMG, it’s terrible. I can’t use social media, and that’s my life. I’m very angry; they need to fix it.”

Mrs. Beard felt similarly. She explained, “Mayfield was a nationally-acclaimed school, but now, we can’t even have WiFi…” she shook her head.

Administrative assistant, Mrs. Pahor was found pacing the halls aimlessly. “I am currently unable to do 99% of my job.”

Mr. Yasenosky admitted, “I realize we rely on it more than I thought.” 

The disheartened staff was rallied by the encouragement of administrators: “We gotta get through it!” chimed Mr. Sheppard.

However, some students and teachers felt indifferent, or even happy. Nathan Moon replied, “I don’t really care because I can just go on my phone,” and Mr. Catullo stated Friday, “I wish the world had no internet. I love it!”

Mrs. Trentanelli remarked, “It is kind of fun because it made me feel what it was like in the 1860s.”

An anonymous student said in excitement, “This is fabulous, because I didn’t have to give a presentation.”

But aside from these anomalies, most were in shock–disoriented by being suddenly thrust into the Dark Ages. To survive, Mr. Catullo used an archaic method of showing videos called a “DVD.”  Apparently, this flat circular disk can be used without WiFi or internet.  Some classes throughout the building were able to obtain information using something called “PowerPoint.” Again, this ancient method of instruction is stored inside of an actual computer, on something called a “hard drive” rather than in the cloud.

Surprisingly, the sinks, ovens, and even mixers in the consumer science room were still able to function, and class went on as planned.

Through perseverance and teamwork, MMS was able to survive the day, but many shudder at the thought of the Rodent of Terror returning to wreak havoc on the school.

*Disclaimer: This story is inspired by the sarcastic parodying style of theonion.com and is meant to be intentionally hyperbolic.